No “Happy Ending”? You’re Not Alone….

Sex is fun and it makes us happy…..most of the time.  But the lack of sex can make us sad, depressed, apathetic or angry.  (my personal theory on the cause of road rage)

There are an estimated 40 million marriages (30% of all marriages) where the couples have sex less than 10 times a year.  This is termed a “sexless marriage”.  We all joke about it.  I get my sex and my steak the same way….very rare. But what is really going on? And is there any hope?

Looks like Ted will be spending some extra time in the shower tomorrow

What is really going on?

Why would men or women lose interest in making the beast with two backs?

For women, the top reasons for having a headache are:

  • too stressed
  • they don’t feel attractive because of age or weight gain
  • they are using sex as a punishment for crappy mates who don’t do the dishes etc
  • too tired/not enough time
  • hormonal changes-either with menstrual cycles or menopause: men-O-pause 🙂
  • bored with the same old “Saturday night, lights out, he’s on top, 8 minute sex” routine
  • they think their husbands aren’t attracted to them
  • medical reasons: low libido due to clinical depression, medication, etc.

For men, the top reasons for faking you’re asleep are:

  • she doesn’t enjoy it (61% of 4000 men interviewed said this was the reason they are not having sex…however this does not give you permission to fake it, ladies)
  • she doesn’t want to try new things/I’m bored
  • she is depressed
  • she has gained weight/no longer find her attractive
  • I prefer to masturbate (maybe because of all the reasons above….)
  • I suffer from sexual dysfunction and am self-conscious

In a recent survey of 800 married people, 78% said they wanted more sex.   So most want it, but they’re not getting any.

In order to get in bed with the enemy, you have to understand the enemy.

Let’s face it…men and women think differently.  This is no surprise, but sometimes we need a reminder.  According to the book “Becoming Your Spouses Better Half” by Rick Johnson, it is important for the opposite sex to understand what makes males tick while females tock.

The author wrote the chapters that the women should read to understand their husbands, and his wife wrote the complimentary chapters for the men.  I thought the descriptions of what women think and feel were pretty accurate, and I have a feeling (based on the response I have gotten from my little “experiments” of lately) that the men’s chapter is right on as well.

The Man

Now, we all know that not all men are the same.  But with that in mind, there are some facts that cannot be disputed.

1.  Men need sex.  They don’t just want it.  They need it like they need food and water.  They need it for their  physical, mental and emotional health.  They think about it all the time.

  • Physically, men’s bodies continue to produce sperm at all times.  This sperm is manufactured in the testes and then moves to the epididymis where the sperm matures. Then the sperm joins with fluids from other parts and moves to the vas deferens where it anxiously awaits freedom.  The assembly line does not take a break for lunch and it does not take vacation.  Picture, if you will, a factory that makes rubber snakes.  The snakes are being produced day and night, moving along the assembly line and are shipped out the front door for delivery at certain delivery times during the week.  Not having sex is like putting a  padlock on the front doors.  The snakes are still being produced, but they are just piling up at the door unable to get out.  Thousands and thousands of snakes piling up and up pushing on the doors….bulging the doors….until the doors are ready to burst!  Well….you get the idea. It is not only physically uncomfortable, but it makes men mean.  It is a common practice for a boxer to refrain from sex for a while before a fight for this reason.
  • Emotionally, men need sex to feel loved.  Feeling loved and wanted gives them the confidence they need to face the world, and just be happy.  A woman giving a man signals that he is not wanted is the same thing as a man suddenly refusing to talk to the woman.  It’s a cut off to the connection.
  • Mentally, a large majority of men feel insecure and inadequate.  It may be a deep down feeling, and one they don’t readily discuss because society tells him he needs to be tough. Sex is a way to dispel those feelings of inadequacy and replace it with security and desire.  Sex makes all the other aspects of their lives better and solves problems.

But as much as men need sex, they said would rather not have any sex

than have sex with a partner who didn’t enjoy it.

2.   Men have cycles just like women. Because of sperm production, hormonal effects and other factors, men need sex every 2 – 3 days.  After men have sex, they are more relaxed and more focused on daily stuff.  You may even notice that your man is less attentive to you right after sex, but by the third day……SHA-WING!

3.  Men are visual creatures.  They enjoy visual stimulation as foreplay, and they let their imagination drive them (hence the huge porno industry, strip clubs, you-porn, sex-cam web sites etc.)  Most men said they didn’t care and didn’t notice any of their spouses imperfections.  And more than seeing the woman they  love naked, they prefer a sexy outfit that leaves something to the imagination.

4.  Men need variety.  They have short attention spans.  They need things changed up a bit to stay interested.   (Just watch a guy handle a TV remote control.)  In about 41% of all marriages, one or the other is unfaithful and boredom is the #1 reason.

5.  Men compartmentalize sex from other events in the day.  That’s why  men can have a huge fight with their spouse, and then a half hour later, they cannot understand why she isn’t in the mood.  Men don’t see what one has to do with the other as each aspect of the day is separate.

The Woman

1.   Women need romance to feel loved. Romance can mean eye contact, holding hands, snuggling, words that affirm she is special, conversation, or going on walks together.  Women can be fulfilled by romance without sex. (where men view romance as what he has to put up with to get sex)  Because women think all men want is sex, when the man doesn’t have sex and just spends time with her, she gets the emotional fulfillment and love she needs. Here’s one for you guys to figure out:  After a romantic evening, don’t initiate or suggest sex and your wife will find you sooooo sexy. (yeah, read it over a few more times)

2.   Women can’t separate sex from all the other problems of the day.  If things are not right with her job, the house, or the kids are sick, she won’t be able to focus on sex.  Men feel if their world isn’t right, sex will make it better, and women feel if her world isn’t right, sex won’t be either.  Quite the conundrum.

3.   Women need time to get aroused. Women in their 20’s get aroused in the same amount of time as men, but as women age, it takes longer for them to get aroused and longer to achieve orgasm. Women get aroused more by touch than visually, and the touch usually is in the form of gentle touching and loving slow caressing paying attention to her, not what’s coming next. Most people touch, the way they want to be touched.  (men go right for the va-J-J, and women stroke their man’s hair–I rest my case)

All men should be required to watch the movie Don Juan deMarco with Johnny Depp.  There’s a scene where he tells a woman what he would do with her if he had her alone…and none of the parts he wants to touch are covered by a bikini.  Women who watch this scene say, “OK! Yes! He GETS it!”

4.   Women are verbal creatures. Women need to hear words of affection, and need things like notes and phone calls, text messages etc. to let them know their man is thinking about them when they are not with him.  Not because women don’t trust them, but because it is emotionally satisfying to know he thinks she is special.

5.  Women have hormones.  This is no surprise, but men need to understand that women’s hormones have a lot to do with her sexual feelings and attitudes.  If a woman has a knife in her hand, a man needs to know where she is in her cycle to know if she’s going to make him a nice dinner or cut his throat.  If it’s right             before her period and she has a knife in her hand, run!

Later in a woman’s life, pre-menopause and menopause set in.  This means a drop in libido, and the dreaded vaginal dryness.  (please read my post on a solution) Sex might be a bit more difficult, and less enjoyable, but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to, it may just mean she can’t.  This can be misinterpreted by the man as she can’t be turned on my him.

OK…now that we understand each other…

So what can we do with this information?

To the women: Your man needs sex, and even if he’s looking at magazines and porno, he wants to have sex with you, and he doesn’t care that you need to lose 20 pounds.  He wants variety and he wants to be desired by you.  (and if he says he doesn’t want oral sex, he’s lying)

simple solutions

  • buy some new panties–black lace is always a hit
  • if oral sex is not your thing, or to change it up, get this gadget. It’s easy for you to use and it will make him very happy.
  • don’t get insulted if he’s looking at porno (unless he truly has an addiction) it doesn’t mean he doesn’t find you attractive

To the men: Your woman needs romance, and if she’s not in the mood, talk to her to try to find out why.  Try a romantic note or little gift once in a while.  Tell her she’s beautiful and she looks great, and take your time when having sex.

simple solutions

  • hold her hand, cuddle and talk….without expecting sex at the end of the cuddle session
  • after 40, women need extra help.  The best lube I’ve found is Astroglide Natural…water-based, no alcohol or parabens (a harmful preservative), and it has aloe and chamomile extract…I mean how can you go wrong?  Or to go completely natural, you can try almond oil or this mixture
  • tell her she’s great and you love her….she needs to hear the actual words
  • the best aphrodisiac is when a man loads the dishwasher without being told…yeah! baby!

I can give you a legitimate list, a mile long, of reasons hubby and I don’t “get it in” as often as we used to. The latest being:

  • my mother-in-law moved in with us and sleeps under our bedroom
  • she needs 24 hour supervision and is always home, so we are never alone in our house

…..but I’m not about excuses, I’m about solutions.  It’s work to try to find solutions sometimes,  but it’s usually worth it.

We all deserve a “happy ending”.  Go get yours.


Find Out What You Can Do to Fix Your Sex Life

Five Things You Can Do to Improve Your Marriage

Help For Sexless Marriages

Why Women Lose Interest in Sex

Sex Survey

Dr Phil Sexless Marriages

Categories: happiness, relationships, sex, sexual health

Tags: , , , ,

8 replies

  1. This is pure gold and it must go in to our book, even if I have to make up a perk……BTW, I am sending it to Shawn!

  2. Great post, it’s to the point! A lot of people find this stuff hard to talk about, but I communicate with my husband squarely as much as possible and we both get what we want then. 🙂

  3. everyone that reads this and does not comment, is secretly thanking you!!

  4. what you detailed about compartmentalization is so true..great article!

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